Wedding traditions and what they mean: keep them, tweak them or skip them

Most wedding traditions started for practical, superstitious or simply romantic reasons, and many have changed meaning along the way. Knowing where they come from makes it easier to decide which ones you want. Keep the ones that mean something to you, give others a twist, and skip the rest without guilt.

Before the wedding

The ring on the fourth finger of the left hand

The story goes that the ancient Romans believed a vein ran from this finger straight to the heart, the vena amoris. Anatomy disagrees, but the romance stuck. In many countries the wedding ring goes on the right hand instead.

The bridal shower

A party where friends and family “shower” the bride with gifts for the new household. It is often traced to a Dutch legend about friends providing a dowry when a father refused to. Today it's frequently a couple's shower, a brunch, or replaced by a group gift.

Not seeing each other before the ceremony

Often explained as a leftover from arranged marriages, when nobody wanted the groom to change his mind. Today many couples choose a first look instead: a private moment before the ceremony that also frees up time for photos. More in How to plan your wedding day timeline.

The rehearsal dinner

Traditionally hosted by the groom's family the evening before, for the wedding party and close family. Today anyone can host it, and many couples open it to all out-of-town guests as a welcome party.

The ceremony

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

The line comes from a 19th-century English rhyme, which ends “and a silver sixpence in her shoe”. Old stands for continuity, new for the future, borrowed for the support of family and friends, and blue for faithfulness. A grandmother's earrings, a new dress, a friend's hairpin and blue stitching inside the hem cover all four.

The white dress

White became the fashion after Queen Victoria wore it for her wedding in 1840. Before that, brides simply wore their best dress, in any color. Ivory, blush, champagne, a jumpsuit or a suit are all fair game now.

Walking down the aisle and “giving away” the bride

The tradition comes from a time when marriage was an agreement between families. Today the moment is about support, not ownership: many brides walk with both parents, with their mom, with a child, or with their partner, and some couples walk in together.

Bridesmaids in matching dresses

The legend says bridesmaids dressed like the bride to confuse jealous spirits. Today matching dresses are about the photos, and mismatched dresses in one color palette are just as popular.

Tying the knot

Handfasting, binding the couple's hands with a cord or ribbon, is often linked to old Celtic and British customs, and it gave us the phrase “tying the knot”. A unity candle, a sand ceremony or planting a tree play the same role: two becoming one, in a moment guests can see.

The exit

Guests used to throw rice or grain as a wish for prosperity and children. Today it's petals, bubbles, ribbon wands or sparklers. Check your venue's rules first: many ban rice, confetti or sparklers.

The reception

Cutting the cake together

Your first task as a married couple, and a symbol of sharing everything from now on. Many couples save the top tier in the freezer for their first anniversary; if you do, ask the baker to wrap it properly, or simply order a fresh small cake a year later.

The first dance and the parent dances

The first dance opens the dance floor, followed by the father-daughter and mother-son dances. Twists: dance with both parents at once, invite everyone to join halfway through the song, or skip the parent dances if family relationships make them painful.

Toasts

Traditionally the best man and the maid of honor, sometimes a parent. Three short toasts beat six long ones. A good rule: under five minutes each, and no stories the grandparents shouldn't hear.

The bouquet toss and the garter toss

Whoever catches the bouquet is said to be next to marry. The garter toss is the groom's version and divides opinion; plenty of couples skip it. A lovely alternative: give the bouquet to a grandmother, or end the anniversary dance by handing it to the longest-married couple. Ideas for that are in 35 wedding games and activities.

Carrying the bride over the threshold

Often explained as a way to protect the bride from bad luck at the door of her new home, or simply to make sure she didn't trip. Today it's a sweet photo moment, and either partner can do the carrying.

The honeymoon

The word is usually linked to the first sweet month of marriage, sometimes to an old custom of drinking mead, a honey wine, for the first month. Many couples now take a short “minimoon” right after the wedding and a bigger trip later.

Traditions from many cultures

Many American weddings blend traditions from both families. A few you may see:

• Breaking the glass at the end of a Jewish ceremony, followed by a joyful “Mazel tov!”, and the hora, when the couple is lifted on chairs.
• Jumping the broom, a tradition many African American couples keep to honor their ancestors.
• The lasso (el lazo), a rosary or cord placed around the couple in many Mexican and Filipino ceremonies.
• The tea ceremony in Chinese and Vietnamese weddings, when the couple serves tea to their elders.
• Mehndi, the henna party before many South Asian weddings.
• Smashing a plate and sweeping it up together at Czech weddings; read our guide to Czech wedding traditions.

How to decide what to keep

1. Does it mean something to one of you or your families? Keep it.
2. Do you like the idea but not the form? Twist it: different people, a different moment, a different object.
3. Does it make you or anyone else uncomfortable? Skip it. Nobody will miss it.